Beacon Blog, Webdate January 29th, 2006.
Hehehe....like that, my little play on the generic Star Trek openers? Ok, nevermind....um....I haven't got much to write about....so I'll just see what comes to my mind that I can scribe down. I'm currently reading this book: Tales Before Tolkien, The Roots of Modern Fantasy, which has got some cool short stories in it (ones that supposedly inspired the master of fantasy). So that's interesting, I'm finally reading again. And I wrote some poetry last night (see previous blog), so I'm back on the skald/scribe track...if there even is one. I'm doin' better in school....brought up my Ap us grade from a D to a B...which is good improvement...gonna keep it up.....and all other classes are pretty much under control. So yup....
Not really sure what else to talk about....tryna start a pen&paper RPG....can't find a game master though....so it may take some time....alas...I ramble....o well.....other than that not much is goin' on. I've gotten into the show Babylon 5, saw all of Season 1, which is pretty good, nice intergalactic diplomacy stuff...I like it....the characters are well drawn out too...so that's pretty interesting. Anyway...
That's all I have to say about that
Daitanis
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Daised
The foreman calls out,
You must get out!
You must get out!
I hope I’ve made the right choice,
I pray that I’m following the right voice,
And the foreman calls and seems to know,
Let her go,
Let her go,
Yet I still yearn,
And when I see her, my stomach does churn,
Still the foreman calls,
Don’t think with your balls,
Don’t think with your balls,
But I still hope that things will change,
That maybe she won’t think I’m so strange,
The foreman sings,
Remember the nine kings,
Remember the nine kings,
I seem to be consumed by lust,
I’ve forgotten how to trust,
So the foreman sighs,
Saying let the world die,
Let the world die,
Like Gatsby of Great,
I’m in a daised state,
The Foreman seems crazy,
As he tells me,
Daisy let it go,
Daisy let it go,
Daisy,
Let her go...
You must get out!
You must get out!
I hope I’ve made the right choice,
I pray that I’m following the right voice,
And the foreman calls and seems to know,
Let her go,
Let her go,
Yet I still yearn,
And when I see her, my stomach does churn,
Still the foreman calls,
Don’t think with your balls,
Don’t think with your balls,
But I still hope that things will change,
That maybe she won’t think I’m so strange,
The foreman sings,
Remember the nine kings,
Remember the nine kings,
I seem to be consumed by lust,
I’ve forgotten how to trust,
So the foreman sighs,
Saying let the world die,
Let the world die,
Like Gatsby of Great,
I’m in a daised state,
The Foreman seems crazy,
As he tells me,
Daisy let it go,
Daisy let it go,
Daisy,
Let her go...
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
You Can't Take the Sky From Me
(To whoever might read..not that I care...just scribing thoughts down)
Green Day blasts their Jesus of Suburbia over the computer: "Everybody's heart doesn't beat the same." This quotation's got me thinking....bout the whole shoe comment thing (see earlier blog: Shoes of the Gospel...if you care) I probably shouldn't even be listening to their comformist manufactured, synthetic crap...but I like it....so I'll listen to whatever the hell I want. As you can tell, I'm not in a very good mood. My high school and the community I live in...all the people are stuffy...and stuck up...and easily offended...and I'm tired of their frivolous bullshit. (Ok..this has turned into an anguished teen rant...btw)
They're only obsessed with themsevles (usually...not always...making angry assumptions...and yes I'm being hypocritical...I'm just venting) and don't see other people around them. They just go about their business and do everything to get a good transcript for the college their parents will bribe their dumb asses into. They get straight As go into APs...become mindless liberals....that "care about minorities" but really they're just fucking baby killers. Most of them just don't give a damn about me...geek cripple me.....or any other geek..in fact...if they see anyone who's at all different...they pounce on the poor dude and isolate him to such an extent that he becomes an introvert. The popular people experience sexual situations and flaunt it right in front of us of geekdom....pressing their over manicured lips together in a display of animilistic fervor. That then pisses us Geeks off so we go and try it on with girls...and then they mock us when we miserably fail or get cruelly rejected (not just from my own experience). They expect us to deal with it...and control our hormones (while they themsevles can't) and "Get over it" or "Leave them alone" UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
It would atleast be bareable if I had people at my school that I could consider "my crew". However, I only have a few people...and they're just not into the same stuff as me (I'm not trying to be picky...most of them don't even like Star Wars). So I've dealt with it. I've put up with my freinds (some of whom desperatly strive to be popular and talk about frivolous crap like girls, fashions, and the latest "news" (gossip)) and I have. I've really tried to be content. I've really tried to be nice. I've tried to be a Guinan...always listening to peoples' problems and advising them on their "relationships". But gorramit....I'm sick of it!!! I want to talk about stuff like we talk about at Tribe. Deep, meaningful, useful, thought provoking discussions. But nope, all I get to talk about is so and so's mother...(though mom jokes rnt so bad :))...and which dick is dating the chick u like.....) And I'm truly fucking tired of it. I wanna talk about scifi/fantasy/rpg (yes...D&D....what about LARPing, anyone up for that...no...no you wouldn't be. Even other geeks laugh at LARPers (If you have no idea what I'm talking about....it just further to prove my point) I know nobody who wants to do that kind of stuff (and you need at least 2 or 3 others for a good D&D game) They all either wana talk about sex and penises..or that girl over there...which I really don't wanna worry about right now.....who gives a rut?
So I don't know. They say....oh...wait till college....everything will be okay....you'll meet new, interesting people......it'll all be plumcakes and daffodils....but I don't want to wait that long......no....gorram it....I'M NOT GONNA WAIT THAT LONG....I REFUSE TO!!!! "I ain't gonna live forever" And I'm close to the edge. So forget these Armonk faggots. They don't need me. So I'm just gonna act like they don't exist. Cuz they don't. They don't matter. Their snotty little opinions don't matter....and.....I'm just gonna go full on Geek.....and I'm not fucking looking back.
This has been a different point of view
Brice
Green Day blasts their Jesus of Suburbia over the computer: "Everybody's heart doesn't beat the same." This quotation's got me thinking....bout the whole shoe comment thing (see earlier blog: Shoes of the Gospel...if you care) I probably shouldn't even be listening to their comformist manufactured, synthetic crap...but I like it....so I'll listen to whatever the hell I want. As you can tell, I'm not in a very good mood. My high school and the community I live in...all the people are stuffy...and stuck up...and easily offended...and I'm tired of their frivolous bullshit. (Ok..this has turned into an anguished teen rant...btw)
They're only obsessed with themsevles (usually...not always...making angry assumptions...and yes I'm being hypocritical...I'm just venting) and don't see other people around them. They just go about their business and do everything to get a good transcript for the college their parents will bribe their dumb asses into. They get straight As go into APs...become mindless liberals....that "care about minorities" but really they're just fucking baby killers. Most of them just don't give a damn about me...geek cripple me.....or any other geek..in fact...if they see anyone who's at all different...they pounce on the poor dude and isolate him to such an extent that he becomes an introvert. The popular people experience sexual situations and flaunt it right in front of us of geekdom....pressing their over manicured lips together in a display of animilistic fervor. That then pisses us Geeks off so we go and try it on with girls...and then they mock us when we miserably fail or get cruelly rejected (not just from my own experience). They expect us to deal with it...and control our hormones (while they themsevles can't) and "Get over it" or "Leave them alone" UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
It would atleast be bareable if I had people at my school that I could consider "my crew". However, I only have a few people...and they're just not into the same stuff as me (I'm not trying to be picky...most of them don't even like Star Wars). So I've dealt with it. I've put up with my freinds (some of whom desperatly strive to be popular and talk about frivolous crap like girls, fashions, and the latest "news" (gossip)) and I have. I've really tried to be content. I've really tried to be nice. I've tried to be a Guinan...always listening to peoples' problems and advising them on their "relationships". But gorramit....I'm sick of it!!! I want to talk about stuff like we talk about at Tribe. Deep, meaningful, useful, thought provoking discussions. But nope, all I get to talk about is so and so's mother...(though mom jokes rnt so bad :))...and which dick is dating the chick u like.....) And I'm truly fucking tired of it. I wanna talk about scifi/fantasy/rpg (yes...D&D....what about LARPing, anyone up for that...no...no you wouldn't be. Even other geeks laugh at LARPers (If you have no idea what I'm talking about....it just further to prove my point) I know nobody who wants to do that kind of stuff (and you need at least 2 or 3 others for a good D&D game) They all either wana talk about sex and penises..or that girl over there...which I really don't wanna worry about right now.....who gives a rut?
So I don't know. They say....oh...wait till college....everything will be okay....you'll meet new, interesting people......it'll all be plumcakes and daffodils....but I don't want to wait that long......no....gorram it....I'M NOT GONNA WAIT THAT LONG....I REFUSE TO!!!! "I ain't gonna live forever" And I'm close to the edge. So forget these Armonk faggots. They don't need me. So I'm just gonna act like they don't exist. Cuz they don't. They don't matter. Their snotty little opinions don't matter....and.....I'm just gonna go full on Geek.....and I'm not fucking looking back.
This has been a different point of view
Brice
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
But You Said
I turn on the T.V.,
And all I see,
Is death and war,
Floods and people lying hungry on the floor,
I cry for God to tell me why,
He lets them become so poor while I put on my thousand-dollar tie,
While cities are swept away,
Suburban youth complains; tryin’ to imitate Dre,
We sob at how bad our lives are,
As we pass the charred and burning car,
I whine about my achin’ tooth,
While poverty limits inner city youth,
When I don’t want to go to university,
Others strive to get in despite the locks and find the key,
I say I’ve been forsaken,
While it’s considered acceptable to be life takin’,
I weep and write emo poetry,
While children starving reach for moldy Brie,
So I’m prayin’ God,
Why are the boys and girls’ faces in the sod?
You are a God of love,
So where is the helping hand from above?
I don’t need it right now,
They need a carton of milk; give them a cow,
They are your children,
And they’ll be dead by ten,
So save them all,
They’re cornered between the wall,
Even when we don’t care,
That kid in the poster still needs a teddy bear,
Don’t comfort me,
Your people were meant to be free!
And all I see,
Is death and war,
Floods and people lying hungry on the floor,
I cry for God to tell me why,
He lets them become so poor while I put on my thousand-dollar tie,
While cities are swept away,
Suburban youth complains; tryin’ to imitate Dre,
We sob at how bad our lives are,
As we pass the charred and burning car,
I whine about my achin’ tooth,
While poverty limits inner city youth,
When I don’t want to go to university,
Others strive to get in despite the locks and find the key,
I say I’ve been forsaken,
While it’s considered acceptable to be life takin’,
I weep and write emo poetry,
While children starving reach for moldy Brie,
So I’m prayin’ God,
Why are the boys and girls’ faces in the sod?
You are a God of love,
So where is the helping hand from above?
I don’t need it right now,
They need a carton of milk; give them a cow,
They are your children,
And they’ll be dead by ten,
So save them all,
They’re cornered between the wall,
Even when we don’t care,
That kid in the poster still needs a teddy bear,
Don’t comfort me,
Your people were meant to be free!
Shoes of the Gospel
Dear Freinds (am I starting to sound like Mr. Rogers?)
Thank you guys who emailed me in response to my "teenage anguish". I really appreciate the support. I think it helped. :) I was able to do something for my college advisor which I had been wrestling with myself to do all Christmas break. (It's an essay about what I like, what I find enjoyable etc....If anybody would like to read it and comment....I've posted it below :)) So...yeah...I do want to go to college....even though I have no idea what I want to do with my life and what exactly I would like to study.
I think I know what's been bothering me though. (really bothering me....bothering isn't really the right word...it's more of a frustration....yeah....frustrating me...) (I would delete the bothering thing...but I'm going for a more Kerouacian style) It all dawned on me as I was rolling (rather slowly...cuz my friggen chair....ugg...don't even get me started) and I was goin' along, right...and these two girls are talking....so just to be polite (hehehe) I turn down my music....and I overhear part of their conversation:
"Like omg...weren't so and so's shoes soooo cute!"
And there it was like a bright and twinkling star, like a frikken plank in my eye....right in front of my eyes and ears...I understood. I've been so frustrated because people at my school are superficial cuttouts from a fashion magazine. There aren't....well a few...like two...but I don't hang with them enough....many people like me....at my school...that like the stuff I like...that yearn to go to cons and are christian ( there are people who are...I just don't talk with them much). This is what's been frustrating. So i'm not sure how to fix this frustration..I just feel alot better...cuz now I know what's been bothering me (perhaps its also my new interest in country music....I think I'm turning into a hick....oyvey as Cliffy would say) So if you could pray for me...and if you have any suggestions..email me....call me....how's that U2 song go...I only know the Weird Al version....Floss Me...Bill Me!!!....man Kerouac must have been drunk when he made up his writing style)
Essay thingie:
Most people would say I am a strange person. So I don’t surround myself with most people. Most people, especially in high school, in my opinion are boring squares that don’t have fun. To me fun has a lot to do with being different, or knowing things about what most people would never know about. If people find what I think to be interesting to be boring, then that’s their loss. I’ll keep on enjoying what I like to do.
For fun, one of the most important activities I participate in is writing. Whether this is writing short stories, poetry, or (I hope someday) novels, each time I put pen to paper I am able to scribe out my feelings and emotions. I’m not sure how my love for writing began, but for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to do something to do with writing with my life. Perhaps because of my love of reading, I wanted to voice my own opinions and thoughts through my own stories, poems, and novels. Mostly writing in science fiction and fantasy, I enjoy these genres the most because I feel they give the writer the most freedom to use his imagination, and also explore the potential of mankind (even if I’m writing about aliens or ogres) (Even when your writing about fantastic creatures, your still only writing about human emotions under all the tentacles and horns). For a long time, I have tried to write poetry to express more down to earth emotions that I feel churning within myself. However, until recently, I was not able to express myself through this outlet. Since being able to rhyme and gain inspiration, I have written many poems, songs (at least attempts at songs), and also ballads. Poetry has become the most comfortable style of writing for me since then, but I really hope to develop this skill to a more complete fruitation during college.
Another activity in which I enjoy participating in is watch football. Specifically, I enjoy watching Green Bay Packer football. Even though some would argue this is a pretty passive pastime, I would have to disagree. I don’t remember how I became a Packer, but I know I will never root for another team in the NFL for as long as I live. I have visited Green Bay twice now, and have fallen in love with the town and team. Never before, nor anywhere else, will you see a town so completely absorbed in their team. A town with an approximate population of 90,000- 75,000 of them attends home games on Sundays. You cannot go two feet in the town without sighting a G logo on a door or car window. Even when they do terribly in their season, like this year for example (4-12), I will still loyally watch every game. I don’t give up, even when times get tough.
The final, and most important aspect of my life that I enjoy participating in is my faith. A fairly new believer in Christianity, I’m still learning a lot of what it means to be a Christian. (I’m told this doesn’t change much) Nothing is as comforting to me as the thought of a God who cares for me and loves me. My ever present inspiration for not only writing- but for life- God is the only one who keeps me going at certain points in my life. I also enjoy learning about my faith by studying the Bible. This is why I may want to go to a more Christian centered college so I will be able to take some theological classes or classes of that sort. I definitely want to go to a college where I will be able to practice my faith and where there will at least be others (any denomination) that celebrate the same God as I do.
Anyway
God Bless
Psalmer
Thank you guys who emailed me in response to my "teenage anguish". I really appreciate the support. I think it helped. :) I was able to do something for my college advisor which I had been wrestling with myself to do all Christmas break. (It's an essay about what I like, what I find enjoyable etc....If anybody would like to read it and comment....I've posted it below :)) So...yeah...I do want to go to college....even though I have no idea what I want to do with my life and what exactly I would like to study.
I think I know what's been bothering me though. (really bothering me....bothering isn't really the right word...it's more of a frustration....yeah....frustrating me...) (I would delete the bothering thing...but I'm going for a more Kerouacian style) It all dawned on me as I was rolling (rather slowly...cuz my friggen chair....ugg...don't even get me started) and I was goin' along, right...and these two girls are talking....so just to be polite (hehehe) I turn down my music....and I overhear part of their conversation:
"Like omg...weren't so and so's shoes soooo cute!"
And there it was like a bright and twinkling star, like a frikken plank in my eye....right in front of my eyes and ears...I understood. I've been so frustrated because people at my school are superficial cuttouts from a fashion magazine. There aren't....well a few...like two...but I don't hang with them enough....many people like me....at my school...that like the stuff I like...that yearn to go to cons and are christian ( there are people who are...I just don't talk with them much). This is what's been frustrating. So i'm not sure how to fix this frustration..I just feel alot better...cuz now I know what's been bothering me (perhaps its also my new interest in country music....I think I'm turning into a hick....oyvey as Cliffy would say) So if you could pray for me...and if you have any suggestions..email me....call me....how's that U2 song go...I only know the Weird Al version....Floss Me...Bill Me!!!....man Kerouac must have been drunk when he made up his writing style)
Essay thingie:
Most people would say I am a strange person. So I don’t surround myself with most people. Most people, especially in high school, in my opinion are boring squares that don’t have fun. To me fun has a lot to do with being different, or knowing things about what most people would never know about. If people find what I think to be interesting to be boring, then that’s their loss. I’ll keep on enjoying what I like to do.
For fun, one of the most important activities I participate in is writing. Whether this is writing short stories, poetry, or (I hope someday) novels, each time I put pen to paper I am able to scribe out my feelings and emotions. I’m not sure how my love for writing began, but for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to do something to do with writing with my life. Perhaps because of my love of reading, I wanted to voice my own opinions and thoughts through my own stories, poems, and novels. Mostly writing in science fiction and fantasy, I enjoy these genres the most because I feel they give the writer the most freedom to use his imagination, and also explore the potential of mankind (even if I’m writing about aliens or ogres) (Even when your writing about fantastic creatures, your still only writing about human emotions under all the tentacles and horns). For a long time, I have tried to write poetry to express more down to earth emotions that I feel churning within myself. However, until recently, I was not able to express myself through this outlet. Since being able to rhyme and gain inspiration, I have written many poems, songs (at least attempts at songs), and also ballads. Poetry has become the most comfortable style of writing for me since then, but I really hope to develop this skill to a more complete fruitation during college.
Another activity in which I enjoy participating in is watch football. Specifically, I enjoy watching Green Bay Packer football. Even though some would argue this is a pretty passive pastime, I would have to disagree. I don’t remember how I became a Packer, but I know I will never root for another team in the NFL for as long as I live. I have visited Green Bay twice now, and have fallen in love with the town and team. Never before, nor anywhere else, will you see a town so completely absorbed in their team. A town with an approximate population of 90,000- 75,000 of them attends home games on Sundays. You cannot go two feet in the town without sighting a G logo on a door or car window. Even when they do terribly in their season, like this year for example (4-12), I will still loyally watch every game. I don’t give up, even when times get tough.
The final, and most important aspect of my life that I enjoy participating in is my faith. A fairly new believer in Christianity, I’m still learning a lot of what it means to be a Christian. (I’m told this doesn’t change much) Nothing is as comforting to me as the thought of a God who cares for me and loves me. My ever present inspiration for not only writing- but for life- God is the only one who keeps me going at certain points in my life. I also enjoy learning about my faith by studying the Bible. This is why I may want to go to a more Christian centered college so I will be able to take some theological classes or classes of that sort. I definitely want to go to a college where I will be able to practice my faith and where there will at least be others (any denomination) that celebrate the same God as I do.
Anyway
God Bless
Psalmer
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Almost Aphrodite
Is this love?
Should it feel so much like a rough shove?
I’ve heard stories of the sweet emotion,
Is it supposed to cause such a stomach commotion?
Every time she goes passed,
I fear my heart and mind won’t last,
They say you only feel this kind of love once,
Maybe this is it cuz I haven’t gotten her outta my mind for months,
It can’t be love though,
It feels like I just stubbed my toe,
This isn’t at all pleasant,
I keep on getting disappointed every time I pass another day’s crescent,
Wishing that she’s the one I’m looking for,
Vainly hoping that she’s Guinevere of Lore,
But I have to accept that I haven’t found the one for me,
The one who’ll be the queen of my love tree,
I haven’t found my dream girl,
I guess she’s just a grain of sand, and not my pearl...
Should it feel so much like a rough shove?
I’ve heard stories of the sweet emotion,
Is it supposed to cause such a stomach commotion?
Every time she goes passed,
I fear my heart and mind won’t last,
They say you only feel this kind of love once,
Maybe this is it cuz I haven’t gotten her outta my mind for months,
It can’t be love though,
It feels like I just stubbed my toe,
This isn’t at all pleasant,
I keep on getting disappointed every time I pass another day’s crescent,
Wishing that she’s the one I’m looking for,
Vainly hoping that she’s Guinevere of Lore,
But I have to accept that I haven’t found the one for me,
The one who’ll be the queen of my love tree,
I haven’t found my dream girl,
I guess she’s just a grain of sand, and not my pearl...
Samuel
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
I can’t see too far in any direction,
I want to spit when I see my reflection,
I walk around aimlessly,
While before I frolicked in the hills shamelessly,
Now all I feel is pain and frustration,
It’s as if I’m the sole target of Satan’s invasion.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
The armies seem to surround my weathered tent,
So I cry to my God and repent,
But every time I overcome one demon,
Another rears its ugly head despite the season,
All I see in my future is the same disease,
So I pray as I fall on bloodied knees.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
My path seems to be mapped out before me already,
All they say I have to do is bear the storm and keep my feet steady,
What if they are wrong?
What if I wasn’t meant to march to the beat of their song?
They say just pass this final test,
They say their older and they know what’s best.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
I’m prayin’ that I’ll make the right choice,
So when I’m older and I look back I can rejoice,
But I can’t see where I’m to go,
So I’m asking for you to help me; O carpenter apprentice of Joe,
I think I’ll walk down the path of right,
Even if that path has more of a bight.
So I’m looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking down,
Looking up...
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
I can’t see too far in any direction,
I want to spit when I see my reflection,
I walk around aimlessly,
While before I frolicked in the hills shamelessly,
Now all I feel is pain and frustration,
It’s as if I’m the sole target of Satan’s invasion.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
The armies seem to surround my weathered tent,
So I cry to my God and repent,
But every time I overcome one demon,
Another rears its ugly head despite the season,
All I see in my future is the same disease,
So I pray as I fall on bloodied knees.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
My path seems to be mapped out before me already,
All they say I have to do is bear the storm and keep my feet steady,
What if they are wrong?
What if I wasn’t meant to march to the beat of their song?
They say just pass this final test,
They say their older and they know what’s best.
Looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking up,
Looking down,
I’m prayin’ that I’ll make the right choice,
So when I’m older and I look back I can rejoice,
But I can’t see where I’m to go,
So I’m asking for you to help me; O carpenter apprentice of Joe,
I think I’ll walk down the path of right,
Even if that path has more of a bight.
So I’m looking back,
Looking forward,
Looking left,
Looking right,
Looking down,
Looking up...
Monday, January 02, 2006
Second Star to the Right and Straight on 'Till Morning
Throughout my travels this vacation to Virginia..and elsewhere (among the darkest dungeons in my mind), I have been thinking. Not alot...watching a little too much T.V. :)...(and let me say there is nothing on....cept for TIMMY!!!) But yeah...I've been pondering on my life a little bit....alot....I mean, I did nothing constructive this vacation...I mean, I tried to write a few times..but nothing came to me. Alas, I digress.....this is the new year...but it all feels the same...boring....old...decadent....and I know its not....and I'm young and I got my whole life ahead of me and all that crap...and I should be happy in God...and I am...it just feels this way with school....and my social life....(yeah the girls too...even though I give up with the whole damned lot)....and it's like...I'm just....at a crossroads..I guess you could call it...(here I go with the fork stuck in the road thing...again...) and I'm thinking bout my future...and its like....I don't really want to go to college anymore....I don't really see the point....I mean....I want to write....I don't know.....its just....I'm sick of school and teachers and...people my age.....and its.....UGGGGHHHHHH....and I don't know what God wants me to do...I mean...I assume he wants me to go to college.....but maybe he doesn't....its just that college is this drift into thing that everybody does....and its just...stupid....mayb not....but.....I'm sounding very confused aren't I?
I don't want another year like last year. Between the failed test after failed test and sudden outbursts of heartbroken tears....I want a new year with new freinds.....and successes...and not lusting after stuff (and girls)....but it just seems the same..another day..another year..another fight...another struggle with my self everytime I see even the most remotedly beautiful girl...and I still dont have my power chair after 8 frikken weeks (new beginnings?) and its just....weighing me down....and gettin' to me....
So today I saw the press conference from the Packers when the GM fired head coach Mike Sherman...saying he "wanted to go in a new direction". Earlier this horrid season, Favre said that if the coach was fired it would be alot harder for him to come back to football. After his emotional walk off the field on Sunday, waving goodbye to the cheesheads at Lambeau field...and also unexpectadly hopped onto the seahawk's plane after Sunday's game to speak with Holmgren- his former Super Bowl winining coach for a talk..so I'm fairly certain he will retire after the canning of the coach he swore loyalty to. So I guess this is farwell to one of football's greatest icons...Peace be with you too Favre.....
So its gotten me thinking....changing of the guard....changing into the new year....new semester coming up soon....supposedly leaving this dump I go to school in....changes....it's happening all around me...but I just can't feel them...I feel numb, stagnant...as if in a trance...I want to be able to smile again like I used to..but these past few months...even though I became a christian....have just....I dunno....maybe its becoming a man....but its been the hardest few months I've ever endured....I just hope something changes.....Cuz I'm getting sick of the old...I've had enough...I need a change....a big change...lots of big changes...maybe inside of me (I gotta talk to someone bout something to do with the struggles inside of me...if you guys want..) I want new....the death of old...the beginning of new...of good...of light....of joy....To the year of Jubilee!!!
Ominous Kismet
The old warrior hangs his helmet,
The new come to meet their inevitable kismet,
The old sits down to rest,
While us young ones try to do our best,
The old passes on his torch,
And takes his place next to the elders on the front porch,
As they watch their sun fade,
Smiling at the world they’ve made,
As we wonder what will become of our burden,
Will we be able to protect the flowers in our garden?
Will we do our father’s proud?
Or will we succumb to the thickening crowd?
Cuz I can’t see an answer to the riddle,
There’s our past and there’s our future and we’re stuck in the middle,
So we’ll have to build bridges,
Despite the dark and jagged ridges,
We’ll build bridges to the future,
Maybe we’ll be the ones to find the cure,
The old are handing us the keys,
The oaks drop seeds; could they become trees?
I don’t know where we go from here,
But it seems we’ve missed our ship and are just sitting on the pier,
So the new takes the place of the old,
But the black seems to be consuming the gold,
Were we meant to live and constantly fret?
Is this our ominous kismet...?
For now....Peace be with you too Favre...the sun sets, will it come back up?
Psalmer
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