Throughout my travels this vacation to Virginia..and elsewhere (among the darkest dungeons in my mind), I have been thinking. Not alot...watching a little too much T.V. :)...(and let me say there is nothing on....cept for TIMMY!!!) But yeah...I've been pondering on my life a little bit....alot....I mean, I did nothing constructive this vacation...I mean, I tried to write a few times..but nothing came to me. Alas, I digress.....this is the new year...but it all feels the same...boring....old...decadent....and I know its not....and I'm young and I got my whole life ahead of me and all that crap...and I should be happy in God...and I am...it just feels this way with school....and my social life....(yeah the girls too...even though I give up with the whole damned lot)....and it's like...I'm just....at a crossroads..I guess you could call it...(here I go with the fork stuck in the road thing...again...) and I'm thinking bout my future...and its like....I don't really want to go to college anymore....I don't really see the point....I mean....I want to write....I don't know.....its just....I'm sick of school and teachers and...people my age.....and its.....UGGGGHHHHHH....and I don't know what God wants me to do...I mean...I assume he wants me to go to college.....but maybe he doesn't....its just that college is this drift into thing that everybody does....and its just...stupid....mayb not....but.....I'm sounding very confused aren't I?
I don't want another year like last year. Between the failed test after failed test and sudden outbursts of heartbroken tears....I want a new year with new freinds.....and successes...and not lusting after stuff (and girls)....but it just seems the same..another day..another year..another fight...another struggle with my self everytime I see even the most remotedly beautiful girl...and I still dont have my power chair after 8 frikken weeks (new beginnings?) and its just....weighing me down....and gettin' to me....
So today I saw the press conference from the Packers when the GM fired head coach Mike Sherman...saying he "wanted to go in a new direction". Earlier this horrid season, Favre said that if the coach was fired it would be alot harder for him to come back to football. After his emotional walk off the field on Sunday, waving goodbye to the cheesheads at Lambeau field...and also unexpectadly hopped onto the seahawk's plane after Sunday's game to speak with Holmgren- his former Super Bowl winining coach for a talk..so I'm fairly certain he will retire after the canning of the coach he swore loyalty to. So I guess this is farwell to one of football's greatest icons...Peace be with you too Favre.....
So its gotten me thinking....changing of the guard....changing into the new year....new semester coming up soon....supposedly leaving this dump I go to school in....changes....it's happening all around me...but I just can't feel them...I feel numb, stagnant...as if in a trance...I want to be able to smile again like I used to..but these past few months...even though I became a christian....have just....I dunno....maybe its becoming a man....but its been the hardest few months I've ever endured....I just hope something changes.....Cuz I'm getting sick of the old...I've had enough...I need a change....a big change...lots of big changes...maybe inside of me (I gotta talk to someone bout something to do with the struggles inside of me...if you guys want..) I want new....the death of old...the beginning of new...of good...of light....of joy....To the year of Jubilee!!!
Ominous Kismet
The old warrior hangs his helmet,
The new come to meet their inevitable kismet,
The old sits down to rest,
While us young ones try to do our best,
The old passes on his torch,
And takes his place next to the elders on the front porch,
As they watch their sun fade,
Smiling at the world they’ve made,
As we wonder what will become of our burden,
Will we be able to protect the flowers in our garden?
Will we do our father’s proud?
Or will we succumb to the thickening crowd?
Cuz I can’t see an answer to the riddle,
There’s our past and there’s our future and we’re stuck in the middle,
So we’ll have to build bridges,
Despite the dark and jagged ridges,
We’ll build bridges to the future,
Maybe we’ll be the ones to find the cure,
The old are handing us the keys,
The oaks drop seeds; could they become trees?
I don’t know where we go from here,
But it seems we’ve missed our ship and are just sitting on the pier,
So the new takes the place of the old,
But the black seems to be consuming the gold,
Were we meant to live and constantly fret?
Is this our ominous kismet...?
For now....Peace be with you too Favre...the sun sets, will it come back up?
Psalmer
