Another Confession...My Girl Troubles...or Lack Thereof :)

Dear God (lol) and Christian brothers,

Well I haven't posted in a very long time. I know, I plan to post more frequently over the summer. I've been a little busy with schoolwork lately. Actually, thats BS, Ive been busy worrying about girls....well, actually one girl in particular. Ok, well I hope you all like long and painful stories, for this song is both long and filled with pain and stupid mistakes...all on my part. Grab some popcorn, dont choke while your laughing at my follies.

So, it all started three months ago, or so. I knew of this girl from my school, in the grade below me, I didnt kno her, but i knew of her, and we were....I guess you could say....acquiantences..kind of an ignoring relationship. Though of course I got a crush on her....and with the lack of expeirence with girls that I had back then, I decided not to go up and talk to her...because whenever I'm near her.....FRISSON (weird and strange chemical reaction in my hormones, where my heart stops beating, and I can't breath, and my cloness reflex in my knees causes my legs to spaz out) So I stole (asked for) her screename from a mutual friend. Yes, now I know this was really stupid. I am aware of this fact, please stop reminding me. :) Ive had enough people castigate me on this subject. So I Imed her, and for two weeks she put up with me, a very kind act, and just talked to me (though maybe she felt sorry for the poor desperate cripple :)) Though, everytime she logged on, maybe due to my impatience or my inexpirience with girls....I imed her the instant she logged on...and basically annoyed her (i think) until one of us logged off. So, eventually she grew tired, and blocked me. (I dont really blame her now) So, as you can guess, I was completely devastated for like days after this..lol...im a clown..i know.

So, taking from the well of my fathomless wisdom, I stalked her. Not really stalking, just in school, u know, watching her in the cafeteria, that kind of thing. (Let's just say it creeped her out) So, then a coupla days later, her friend and i were arguing (her friend is a goth, and was yelling at me for being a phony basically. This conversation helped me to see God, even though this person says she hates God.) She (the friend) said I was trying to fit in so hard..and that I'd do anything to be accepted in the school, and that I go after plastic (vapid, easilly influenced) girls, besides from her friend. And what she said was true, I know, every word of it was true. I was sick that day, a little mad at God for my disability, and then some1 had just told me exactly what she thought of me....exactly what God wanted me to hear....I think.....and this made me even angrier. So, long story short, I lashed out in anger, called the girl that I like plastic..this friend told her....and that girl then 'didnt want to see my face again". And i really didnt think she was plastic, but I was low...and sick...and actually I think I had made myself sick with bitterness b/c of this situation and being angry at God for making me disabled and not too attractive to girls. (Yeah, I know its really not important, but I was REALLY pissed...to say the least)

So basically I've been wanting to tell this girl that I'm sorry for what I said...and stalking her in the process, cuz I cant get close to her w/out having my throat close on me. So now she hates me even more. It really doesn't matter, I know......but....Its my first crush and Im having trouble letting go.

So now I pray, O lord, to lift this infatuation of me. So that I may be more of a warrior for you, more of a light for you, more of a phoenix beacon. I don't want to be obsessed with girls anyomre, I want to be obsessed with you: For Beuty is fleeting, but my God lives eternal (or something like that) I want to see you more, my lord, I want to see you all the time, everyday, and feel your prescence pumping through my mortal veins constantly. AMEN!!!


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