Door Knob, Revelation Throb

A letter to a friend, no not like that ;)...............

Jennie,
I was going to say what I’m gonna say right now to you in person, but I feel it’s better if I write it, so its clearer, and I don’t leave anything important out. Plus, it would take me longer than a lunch period to tell you. I’ve prayed about this, and I feel that God has put you, Elena, and Laurel in my life for a reason, you girls have given me a lot of hope in the past few months when I thought I was fed up with certain circumstances. I was reading Ecclesiastes 4 (hope that’s right) the other day, and its says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up, But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up....(don’t mind the next verse...it has nothing to do with what I want to say ;))....Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. (here’s the best part) A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Sorry to like preach to you, but those couple of verses really struck a cord with me. (no pun intended) Cords that are plugged into Abba, into God. The problem is, I’ve been feeling unplugged (not all the time but much of the time) from God a lot of the time for several months, and I want to be connected to Him again, because that’s what it means to truly live.
This week my internet has been disabled for some reason (I think God had something to do with it maybe.... not to sound crazy...but.) it’s put my life into some perspective. I spend my whole life talking to people online, and what for? Except talking to people like Lore (Laurel) and you guys, most people don’t talk about anything. It’s just this void, and they’re all searching for something, yet not really listening to anyone when they try and tell them what it is they lack. Chatting online is not really even talking to people, it’s talking to a machine, a cold, soulless hunk of metal. That’s not really living, I was just “hiding in my bedroom”. So...yea, I’m tired of it. I want to live, and not just sit my fat ass (beg your pardon) in front of the computer my entire life. :) I want to live, and not for me, but for God, Burning for him always.
Ok (I apologize that this is taking sooo long, but here is why I’m telling you this) On Friday, when I was listening to you and Lorin talk, I should have been blessed to know that you had persuaded an unbeliever to enter the temple of the lord, and happy that she has the opportunity to tap into Him, but I was not. I feel horrible that I wasn’t, and bad that I just rolled away...like I always do.
It just reminded me of the fact that most of the brothers and sisters at my church left. (The one I was closest to left for KC a couple of years ago (before I truly accepted God) because he was called to hardcore prayer over there....but the rest of them just left for petty reasons...and I haven’t seen or spoken to them in six months....and I kind of miss them) Sorry to bitch to you (again, excuse my unchristian language), but right after they had a fight (don’t ask me what it was about...I have no clue, nor do I care) (sorry, little bitter) at the place where I used to go to a kinship group (obviously I no longer go,) I was feeling pretty disillusioned and then, I made friends with you guys. “Like freedom in the spring.” (I keep on quoting Switchfoot songs, I have issues......) Just before school ended last year, I was talking to Lore about Abba...and for the first time in like three months my burn for him ignited again, and I have been gradually able to let go of other stuff because of you guys, so I just wanted to say that I’m really blessed to have you guys as friends.
I’m just tired of being connected to God where its all plumcakes and daffodils, and then being brutally disconnected when I remember the fact that my church.... is.... dying and there are like no people our age there...never were really.... and I’m sorry to give you a list of my problems. and type it out....it was just easier than trying to tell you all at once.....I’m just tired of being alone for most of my life, I wanna live, I guess......and not be selfish and bitter half the time....I want to have such unrestrained joy that I am saved that I set others around me afire with the knowledge....the wisdom....the good news! I don’t want you to pity me, I just.... want to change some things in my life, and I’d be blessed if you could help me.
I want to be like my spiritual brother in KC...Always thinking on God, striving to be better than who he was, who I am. There was this fortune cookie I had during the summer, and it said “Don’t let others open doors for you.” So, I guess I’m turning the knob. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant, I dunno if you can help me...but.....”gotta have faith.....”
Blessed to love you as a Sister,
Dave

Ecclesiastes + Bullshit = Depression

girls please....u don't want to read this one

Putting it Bluntly

All seem to have sailed,
All seem to have waved,
All seem to have been saved,
All seem to have bailed,

And I’m still waiting here,
I’m still waiting for my ship,
I’m still waiting as frost decays my lip,
I’m still waiting gripped by my own fear,

Watching as the wind blows,
Watching as I tear myself apart,
Watching as nothing will ever start,
Watching as the world just goes,

So I weep because I love,
I weep because I’m left in the dust,
I weep because I can’t quell the lust,
I weep because I’m unplugged from above,

Even when I pray I feel starved,
I pray but feel Odo,
I pray but feel as lost ad the Dodo,
I pray yet I feel so emotionally carved,

I don’t know where to run,
I don’t know where all my brothers have gone,
I don’t know when’s the next dawn,
I don’t know if I won’t end it all with a gun,

I can’t take them anymore,
I can’t take their shit,
I can’t take even one more little bit,
I can’t take how they’re all rotten to the core,

I need friends,
I need brothers,
I need others,
I need no more dead ends,

All my efforts have gotten me nowhere,
All my efforts have just fallen,
All my efforts just leave me crawlin’,
All my efforts get trampled in the Fair,

I’ve fought for too long,
I’ve fought too hard,
I’ve fought with every card,
I’ve fought to sing my song,

All I get is rejection,
All I get is disappointment,
All I get is the same ointment,
All I get is “leave me alone” and I’m left in reflection,

Fuck it!
Fuck it, I can’t take the pain,
Fuck it, there is never any gain,
Fuck this shit!

Sacred Streets of September

Tomorrow marks the last chapter of the Hills,
The beginning of the end,
Some wounds I’ve gotten here will never mend,
Often jostled by people’s wills,

When I entered high school that day so long ago,
I was a mere child,
But something on these pavements got me riled,
Filling me with a fire that burns until I sow,

I found pain here,
I found faith,
I finally found where I felt safe,
Away from the shattered silver tear,

I look back on these years of four,
No longer the boy rolling over the threshold,
Cruelly taught by hearts and souls so cold,
Feeling like the Beat Knights of Lore,

Constantly being trampled,
But never giving up,
Reaching for the brimming gold cup,
Writing verses from my heart I gambled,

Enthralled by Abba’s intricate weave,
Trying to let him rule,
Because that’s what it truly means to be cool,
So that they see Him through me before I leave,

Yet how will they when many won’t even listen?
How will they when they turn their backs?
And I’m reminded of all the things my life lacks,
A place to call my temple has not yet been risen,

It seems that everyone knows my name,
They all are “close”,
Yet all I am to them is a ghost,
And when I try and reach out all I feel is shame,

They lock their gates,
All I see is cold hard stone,
That Rocks me to the bone,
For I must combat their deep hates,

With Love as my shield,
I’ll show them a better way,
He’ll tell me of the words to say,
Then I shall depart from this war-torn field,

I’ll be able to leave it behind,
Breaking all the chains,
Eroding the old pains,
Sailing away to find my own kind....