Wednesday Woes

Stain-ed Rain-bow

The fear always comes at night,
The loneliness clenches tight,
When all seemed to have left,
My joy is stolen in a nocturnal theft,
Despite all the walls that fall,
Frustration crawls back at the moon’s call,
And all I see is ashes and dust,
Or those that I do not fully trust,
For it seems I haven’t really had anyone,
To place their head on my shoulder before each rising sun,
Every day feels harder and longer,
Every moment feels as though I’m getting more somber,
Nothing is here to quench my thirst,
Any direction I take looks to be cursed,
I fear I will not take the coming weeks,
I still haven’t found my own clan of geeks,
Whomever I turn to is either gone or too afraid,
My only choice is into the sun fade....

-Psalmer

"Where'd you Go?"

For Tribe I Have Cried

It’s Tuesday night,
Yet I haven’t heard you sing in what seems like ages,
You haven’t been there to calm my fright,
To pray for me in my confusion and rages,
I haven’t felt the warmth of your hugs,
Lost is your laugh of yesteryear,
We’ve been torn to and fro by the world and her tugs,
And I remember you and from my eye trickles a tear,
They say you don’t know what you got,
Until it’s gone,
When you loved me all my pain I forgot,
God’s providence truly shone,
I didn’t even get to say goodbye,
Now your gone with the wind,
I smile and pray for you with a sigh,
I will never forget the way your praise captivated me as you singed...

Pebble Picking

Dear Brothers and Sisters (YEY ;)) in Christ,

It's been an interesting journey this year, I have to admit. Yet I believe Abba is answering many of the prayers that I have prayed this year. Everytime I'm lonely, sad, depressed, enraged, or disallusioned, he comes to me and comforts me. I believe that these times are "like the stillness in the wind before the hurricane begins" to quote Bob Dylan. The theme of these last months and weeks has been Providence. The L_rd has provided for me....and he will never leave me....NEVER FORSAKE ME!!!!

So....unfortunatly I was forced to leave that Science Research Program at my school because I could not find a mentor (guide/proffessor) in my topic. I had been furiously looking, and praying that G_d would find a way...but it was not to be. Though the teacher was really good about it, she told me that even though one door may be closing, others are opening. She and I discussed my writing and the fact that I should publish over the summer. I plan to write my novel, a short story (to submit), and also atleast one poem a day. (pray for me that these goals happen)

I really feel that that teacher is right though, I can see it in other areas in my life too. Tonight we had Chinese take-out at my house, and obeying the laws of the church of the first fortune cookie (lol...this is a joke...don't crucify me) and read my "fortune": "No matter what your past been, you have a spotless future". THANK YOU ABBA!!!!! Take my social life (yes I actually have one now...it is no longer a figment of my imagination....bye bye Bo-Bo -sniff- -sniff-) I asked G_d to provide me a Christian fellowship (group of friends that are sooo close they family) at my school. PROVIDENCE!!!! G_d is so faithful. So now all these people have come up through the cracks just in the last year. From new people coming into our school who are really charismatic christians to people who have found their Messiah in these past months- its just like G_d is gathering stones into his slingshot like that little dude...what was his name? (lol...check out my poem: "Brewing Doing" if you want a lil more exposition on that) Then I'm sad last wkend (b/c I was doing sod all in town) and I go into the pizza place to watch the Soccer (GO ENLGAND) and all the guys in there are sooo nice to me, they give me free food, and just talk to me, and I've been there everyday this week...and I dunno..I can feel alot of love emanatin' (think I spelt that wrong) from that place...and I and them have become really good freinds.... anyway....I really feel that the L_rd is gathering people....its really cool what's going on....what has been going on...what is yet to go on....

Even when I've been really down (like in the last week I've been really uber-manic) G_d has just been there for me. I was gettin' a lil angry about my.....condition......on Saturday...and yelled at Abba that line from Switchfoot's song, Golden: "Like freedom in the spring" ....because I'd like freedom in the spring....and all o a sudden this robin zooms by.....

"The rain on my chest like a baptism" Dark Knight, Dark Knight Returns
I'll leave that where the thought ended.
"I can't think of anything else to say"- Pink Floyd

Just know that G_d is good and G_d is faithful

And I love you all so much
Keep the Faith
Fight the Good Fight
-Psalmer

Piercing Providence

So these two poems I wrote during Night Light into Sunday Service this week:

Liberation Elation

My liberation comes with the springtime,
Departing frustration comes with Abba’s soothing rhyme,
I cry to all the heavens and he answers,
He places sevens over my spiritual cancers,
When I pray he gives gifts gladly,
He makes me joyous through my day as I seek his nourishment madly,
As I lay I can feel his presence and draw closer to his ethereal love,
He sends me among the searching peasants; through him I end conflicts like a white dove,
In his name I place my faith; I bask in his glory,
He tramples every wraith of fear in my triumphant story,
He sends me angels that calm my restless ways,
I am his watchful ranger roaming the earth during these last days,
I feel the day of the lord is at hand as they fires are being built,
Yet I know no fear for his love is like a beach filled with sand; I grab my spiritual sword from its Golden hilt,
For I know that Jeshua is real and nothing will take away my joy,
His disciples are here to heal; through him I am more than just a mere boy...



Brewing Doing

This is the silence
Before the tempest

Here begins the defiance
We stand among lions like Daniel during the den test

They wish us to surrender
They seek to push us into a corner

Smiling as we’ve cowered like helpless kender
Yet we have cast off the demons of our former

God is gathering SoulStones
Into a humble slingshot

We have been sent to cast the idols from their blasphemous thrones
We are called to be righteous and faithful like King Lot

We gladly await the day of second coming
Yet we continue in our Godly calling

For the lost; Abba is summoning
We’ve been sent to put an end to all this senseless brawling

So follow my sisters and brothers
Let us begin this spiritual storm...

GlimmerHope

Finger Singers

Two girls sit serenely on sidewalks,
Speaking through silence; uttering no words,
While you’ve become tired of this town and its countless mocks,
You’ve always been different; never a part of them and their cliques or herds,
These ones understand your anguish and pain,
The way the world has you discarded,
The world that says she’s tolerant and then leaves you out in the rain,
Putting you in a box labeled “retarded”,
But it seems these are two bridges I was not meant to build,
They have already found their clan,
You are by yourself and hate-filled,
It looks like its gonna get worse for you; young man,
But when you sat by the mute maidens,
You saw something that you had forgotten,
Stripped away by the grasps of Satan,
You left that feeling thinking life would always be rotten,
You had no idea how to talk with them,
Yet they still listened,
In this fast-paced world that talent is a gem,
Something seldom done since you were christened,
Love communicated through silence,
Something that if spoken would quickly fade,
Something that seemed to calm your internal rage and violence,
Beyond those things bound by what humanity has made,
An understanding breaking down all barriers,
A feeling that you have not yet fully felt,
For you’ve always been among the baggage carriers,
Until you’ve been bogged down to such a point that your heart felt as though it would melt,
Then you bade them farewell,
It’s likely you’ll never see them again in this life,
There goes your frustration rushing up a stairwell,
Why does this isolation of mine fill me with such strife?
I’m tired of this,
I can’t take this solitude,
When it feels like something is just beginning to pull me from the abyss,
I slip and fall back down into a place where I curse and become crude,
For I heard the most beautiful music,
It is the music that travels along fingertips,
A more spiritual force could not be played using a pick,
And for a moment the pain is no longer so bad under the unrelenting whips....

Closed Gates

A Thousand

You want to sing a thousand songs,
You want to die a thousand deaths,
You want to right a thousand wrongs,
You want to laugh a thousand jests,
You want to build a thousand bridges,
You want to dry a thousand tears,
You want to sow a thousand stitches,
You want to quell a thousand fears,
You want to see a thousand lights,
You want to run on a thousand roads,
You want to end a thousand fights,
You want to crack a thousand codes,
You want to see a thousand shores,
You want to hear a thousand words,
You want to open a thousand doors,
You want to fly beside a thousand birds,
You want to free a thousand slaves,
You want to taste a thousand tastes,
You want to cause a thousand waves,
You want to help a thousand “wastes”,
You want to pray a thousand prayers,
You want to leave a thousand bags,
You want to forget a thousand cares,
You want to discard a thousand rags,
You want feel a thousand creams,
You want to grin a thousand grins,
You want to a have a thousand hugs,
You want to repent a thousand sins,
You want to drink a thousand mugs,
You want to kiss a thousand lips,
You want to dream a thousand dreams,
You want to sail a thousand ships....

Prayer Flare

"Let it Rain..."

Sheep Gazing, Deeply Amazing

Here it comes,
I see the sadness receding,
The heat pulsing through my cracked thumbs,
Yet it seems the darkness is ever impeding,
So I pray that you, my father, would wash it all away,
That these days will be last in the winter of my discontent,
For I wish not to be caught up in the meaning less high school fray,
I’m still wondering where all this time went,
I’m looking forward,
Yet happy in the place I was called,
No longer hiding behind glasses, books, and a hood,
Watching this world fall; appalled,
Scanning the hopeful horizon,
Like that shepherd boy playing his lone harp on a hilltop,
God once heard his cries and,
Came to his aid and was his rock,
Even when he one day strayed,
And as he fell to his knees in despair,
Angels of heaven were not far and they prayed,
Until he felt Abba’s mercy from his strongest tendon to the weakest fiber in his hair,
I pray for my deliverance from this world that is caving,
I ask that your sons and daughters you would forgive,
Souls I pray to be constantly saving,
Thats what it truly means to live...

Flowin' Poem

All the poetry I wrote today (yes....I know....I feel like I have forty-two personalities):

Thankful Anticipation

God, you rock,
The patient shepherd watching over his flock,
Even when I stray into the lion’s den,
You ignite in me a fire that flows through my pen,
Even when I lose the sight,
You open your arms wide and do not cease to invite,
Life is a never-ending mystery,
Through, you, God I can clearly see,
There is no spoon,
You put in me a joyous tune,
That cannot be brought down,
Not even by the gossip in this town,
I will never be bitter,
Even though I may jitter,
For I know I am in my chosen place,
You teach me to be patient; that slow and steady wins the race,
Despite my broken road,
Despite my heart that often feels like it will explode,
You bring my smile back,
Even when I haven’t quite got the knack,
I pray for more of your sovereign love,
That you will hatch in my heart the serene dove,
True “Hakuna Matata”,
Though I feel the end days growing hotta,
I do not truly see your full scope,
I still often grope,
About petty matters,
Putting my ear to the relentless chatter,
I care too much for the things of this world,
I know my true potential is still curled,
Hear my cry,
Make me the most humble of guy,
For I couldn’t last without your mercy,
And still I am constantly thirsty,
Show me who to comfort,
Help me pick myself up from the dirt,
So I pray that you lift me up,
That I would drink from your overflowing cup,
For you are first,
Even when I feel I’m cursed,
I know you are already by my side,
Because of you, I never have to hide....



Complacent in Mom’s Basement

I plan to write a poem,
I do not know what it will be about,
Maybe I’ll write in one of many eclectic forms.... except I don’t know ‘em,
Perhaps I shall write a masterpiece.... except I have all this self-doubt,

Instead I’ll write a book,
With complicated storylines,
With many dazzling and intricate characters.... except I wither with every doubter’s look,
Or what about one about a malignant ring... except I won’t be able to afford all the copyright fines,

I know- I’ll write a song,
Something that nobody has thought of before,
That has an amazing electric guitar riff... except that would mean I have to stop smoking the bong,
It’ll have cool electronic beeps.... except I have just one more glass of vodka to pour,

Yes- I’ll write a play,
Like a truly modern Shakespeare,
Snazzy dialogue zipping back and forth... except that would be the hard way,
Costumes lighting up the stage.... except I never makes’ it off my rear,

I keep saying to myself that I shall do these things,
That I will one day make something of me,
...Except I never have bothered to spread my wings,
I will never know what it means to be free...




Pariah Choir

How come every time I regain my joy?
The devil comes at me with a vengeance,
Why do I have to be the lonesome boy?
They can’t see through my chair; it doesn’t make sense,
Yet I know I don’t speak the truth,
Some do see passed my disease,
Yet I seem to be struggling claw-by-claw; tooth-by-tooth,
So I know these days are mine to seize,
And yeah, they could become my friends,
But they will never see me as their equal,
Yet you never know what will come around one of these bends,
But they don’t know who will inherit the earth: the meek will,
I will never have someone else’s head resting on my shoulder,
Indeed I am going around in circles,
Yet with every happiness followed by depression I feel colder,
I feel I must hide my head like those lonely turtles,
So God I ask,
That you bring me my joy again,
In your loving kindness I wish to bask,
For with them I’m only beggin’,
None of them could possibly understand,
Even my brothers seems to have left,
I have no clue of where to land,
My words fall on ears that appear to be deaf,
I’ve never known a brother or sister that hasn’t been distant,
All my bridges seem to be falling,
My repair crews are always met with resistance,
They all say that the place I am is supposed to be appalling,
I can’t seem to properly look on the bright side,
I always seem to see the bleak,
I have nobody here with me that is a guide,
I wish I could constantly stay on the highest peak,
For I’m always crashing,
I haven’t found what I’m looking floor,
I’ll never be among the handsome or dashing,
I always seem to be facing a slamming door...

Rockin' Dichotomy

Out with the old:

The Lost Hope
-The Crane

Every time I sit down to write,
I write about you,
But I’m gonna fight the urge with all of my might,
Even if I have to hold my breath until I turn Blú,
So I won’t even mention you with the most vague of metaphors,
I won’t even talk about other people; when I’m really talking about you,
Because every time we Cross paths it feels I’m just crashing into closing doors,
I keep on waiting for the sunset to take on a different hue,
I keep on wishing the birds would fly in a different direction,
That I’d finally be able to truly find you,
That when I gaze into a mirror I’d see more than just my own ugly and selfish reflection,
Instead I wake up to a world that is constantly unjust and eschew,
I try to find other things to preoccupy my mind,
So I try to be content with just watching you,
Yet as our eyes lock manacles constrict and bind,
They say I’ve sinned, so I went to confess in the pew,
And I felt God for a few fleeting moments of uninhibited flame,
But when he left all that was left were bitter memories of you,
Nothing in this life has ever left me feeling so lame,
And I feel rage felt only by a select few,
A rage that bubbles up inside like some kind of beast,
That won’t rest until he has you,
My mind won’t stop until his incessant howling has ceased,
The roaring inside my head just grew,
And I haven’t been able to stop writing,
Anger that was sparked by thoughts of you,
The voices that torment my temple have not stopped fighting,
I wish I could begin this all again anew,
But it seems I must let you be,
Even though no mortal’s beauty could compare to you,
I must have contentment; and that will set me free,
Yet none of the answers I’ve learned seem to be true....


In with the new:

Field of Queens

Lights dimmed low on a Friday night,
Rain and thunder rule as my chestfire begins to ignite,
Soaking spectators set sights on soccer,
Safe; no stains from the world or the deceptive mocker,
Youthful valkyries dart like beacons of hope,
Sparking joy in my heart before I fall into the dark slope,
When I was down,
They crowded round,
While one of their own has been felled,
They come to their aide; my frustration can’t help but be quelled,
Even when I fall into jealousy and self-pity,
But then you girls come and they’re are friends filling up my once lonely city,
You all share a unique gift,
You build bridges to this human rift,
Lady listeners,
Healing ministers,
I thank the heavens that we are all friends,
For because of you; I’m sure all my wounds will mend....

-Beloved